apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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