Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
