i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
