I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
