Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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