It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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