I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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