Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
