i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
