drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
