I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
