I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i think i have two assholes
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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