Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
