What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
MIDGETS
????
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
