Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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