Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
