You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
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All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
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Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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