Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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