I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Redeem this text for a blowjob
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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