Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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