just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
