we made out on top of his cat.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
