i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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