I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
