Me. At least after what I've been through.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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