i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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