6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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