Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
