Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
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