Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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