I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
