i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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