I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
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I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
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we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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