M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
