Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
