sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
