OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
