my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
