it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
