he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
worst night to have a conscience
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
