My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
