I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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