People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
