I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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