In the future we'll all be gay
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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