dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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