My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
