well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
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You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
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Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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