Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
