Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
