Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
