The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
