Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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