at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
