Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
