I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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