I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Enjoy the penises
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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