This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
